Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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