I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
