Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize