He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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