I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
