My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
