Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
