why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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