you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
