I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
