When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
