The best revenge is premature balding
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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