When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and she was petting her beer can
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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