Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
