I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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