five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize