I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
time to smoke my breakfast
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Text me some of your sweat
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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