the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
