when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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