normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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