Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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