I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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