You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
