dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
cat food counts as protein by the way
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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