i may or may not be watching the land before time
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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