Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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