Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
