I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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