Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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