dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
