the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
