Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
