party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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