I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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