I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
