were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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