how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
