Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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