I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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