why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
