im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
