I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
