i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
