Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
