I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
