i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
