im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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