I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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