Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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