I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
