she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize