my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
