Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
