We won't sleep together?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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