Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
