i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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