I wish life had little blips of pornography
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize