I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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