I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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