I want to make a zoo with you.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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