I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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