When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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