I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
