call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
