Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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