Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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