when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I looked at my own cervix.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
