There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
