The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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