Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
