She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
