Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
