The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
