My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
