I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
