Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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